I am not happy, nor sad. Well, now that I think of it, I am
sad; I am feeling guilty and also frustrated!
It is exactly two months since I have been home ‘bound’.
Going out has been like going to the loo...whenever necessary. And, it has been
to visit the doctor...and that’s also done with. So, should I be glad that I
will not need to visit the doctor anymore? Or should I feel sad that I will not
have my brief ‘time outs?’
Yesterday, we lost another kitten to the dogs. This is the
second one in two months. After losing the first one, Aramis, we were
protecting the two kittens and the mama cat by letting them sleep inside the
house during the night...that’s when the dogs came. They were on their own for
a few days...and it happened again. Shit happens to people and there is no
point in taking the blame, yet, there is this nagging feeling....If only...
Well, I have been trying to divert my attention by reading
inspirational blogs, a sure shot to uplift the mind? I still have to find out
because I feel strongly grounded.
I read somewhere that if you keep smiling; it not only
improves your face value but also uplifts your mood. So, I stand in front of
the mirror and did exactly that! The facial muscles did not lift nor did my
mood. Plastering a silly grin on your face to fool yourself into believing that
all is well....doesn’t work!
Don’t complain – I read. Well, that’s the whole point of
this blog...I am complaining how my life sucks! Let me put it this way, I am
not complaining but, I am just sharing my feelings. I can’t keep the crap
bottled inside. When one can share joy, why not the sadness? God, am I a
pessimist?
Do not expect – I read this too. When I dream or wish for
something, I expect them to be realized, if not, then what is the point? How I
deal with the outcome is my prerogative. And I expect to be happy.
I also read somewhere that it is important to feel fully what
you feel. If you are sad, then I should be completely sad, live it, experience
it, drown and wallow in it, then only I will be able to release it. I think I
am still submerged there because of my weight.
What is the point I want to make here? I don’t know...I
tried to sit quiet and contemplate, to listen to my inner voice, read some
message from the universe (if it was sending me one), feed my mind with
affirmations....well, all I can conclude is......I simply need to get out of
the house!!
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