" MARKS" DON'T MAKE YOU.

Sitting in a restaurant having breakfast, I can’t help but laugh. My kids are like – “What???” Nidhi has just got her exams results and she had just crawled through in Math. Being a math illiterate myself; well, not entirely…I know elementary math- addition, subtraction, tables...Etc; I can understand that everyone doesn’t have an aptitude or interest for math and science. Nidhi has topped in her class in two other subjects and so she is a hard worker, I know that.

My daughter’s friend, can play 12 instruments, can sing, dance, act, mimic all at the age of 15 and yet he failed in 9^th! Does this mean that he is a failure? This is just one such example. The movies, 3 Idiots and Tare zameen par, would not have been such huge hits if people did not understand or agree with the subject. But, seriously, how many parents have really learnt from them?

Couple of years ago, our family friend’s son took off from home as his mother had forced him to take up Science in college. He wanted to pursue Hotel Management.  After about 10 days, they received a call from the Manager of a hotel in Mumbai, saying that their son was working with them as a waiter! It was sheer luck that my husband was in town. So, late in the night he went to that Hotel and brought the kid to our home. His parents arrived, convinced him and took him back to Bangalore. But, he was forced to go to the same college and study the same subjects. He refused to take 2^nd PU exams. Two years of time and money down the drain.

I am not against education. But, I am against the current system of education prevailing in India. The filtering of students, the studious ones from the weak ones are done while admitting them to the 9^th grade itself. (Actually, the planning for the child’s future starts with its conception itself!) All that the school authorities are concerned with is the reputation of the school. They have to boast of a 100% results in the board exams.

I have never been able to understand the type of parents who during the PTA’s, bring the textbooks, notes, worksheets et al and keep on discussing with teachers on and on. Some parents send the child’s Tutor to attend the meeting or sometimes bring them along. If your child has serious learning problem then it is OK, it is also fine to be concerned with your child’s studies, but many just go overboard. I, for one, cannot spend more than couple of minutes with the kids’ teachers. Tell me if they have disciplinary problem or misbehaving in the class…studies is something where I clearly know my kids’ limitations and I have hired professionals to tutor them, so why burden myself unnecessarily?

I am not saying that my way is the right way or the other parents are wrong. To each his own. But, I try to put myself in my kids place and try to think like them and try to do what’s best for them. And yet, my husband thinks I am an enforcer! The kids who have flunked the exams feel so inadequate and humiliated that they are forced to leave the school. They have to unlearn a lot of things learnt over the years…unlearn being with their old friends, unlearn the way of teaching they were used to, unlearn the comfort of the school environment and again they have to learn the new ways, make new friends, get used to the new school environment….cope, cope, cope. Kids tagged as failures, do not really fail in life; some merely end theirs!!

“Give them some sunshine,

Give them some rain,

Give them a chance to grow up just fine.”

DOING OUR BIT

Observed the Earth Hour yesterday.

Have been doing so religiously for the past 4 years. My kids understand the need for this and co-operate fully.

The TV was switched off during prime time and the silence was bliss.

Bonded with kids over a game of carom. Laughter filled the house as I kept them entertained, because I am not good at playing carom. “Kahin pe nigaahe, kahin pe nishaana” type.

50 mintues on, Nishu was tempted to switch on the TV as he could hear the hoots and cheering from the adjoining building as people were cheering the Srilankan team’s batting.

Pleading and reasoning with him, the hour was up and lights were switched on. Nishu was able to see the Srilankan openers score their century and also win the match against England. More than anything else he was able to eat his dinner in peace as even a morsel of food does not go down his throat with the TV being on. This is one habit which I have not been able to wean him off maybe because he gets his tummy full.

Personally, I feel the Earth Hour should be observed once every month. It not only spreads awareness among people to conserve energy but it is also a fantastic time for parents to spend some quality time with kids.

So, how many of you switched off the lights?

HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH

Retro look is in! And, that was the theme of the farewell party which my daughter and her classmates hosted for their seniors in school. It was a big night for them. Planning, practicing for various programme, shopping, making cards and memorabilia dominated their waking hours for a week. Their enthusiasm was euphoric. Wish even we had this kind of celebration during our school days!

I took her shopping, got her the dress she wanted, mixed and matched the accessories. Then, she dropped the question, - “Ma, can I get my hands and legs waxed?” Well, coming from a conservative family, saying ‘yes’ was difficult at first. She’s just a kid. But, then again, I have seen 10 year old girls streaking their hairs with color, using hair extensions, perming, straightening their hairs and whatever the latest the beauty industry has to offer. And, to my baby, “yes” it was. She was brave enough not to utter a sound during the painful procedure of waxing. That done, (a couple of kilos lighter) hair trimmed, flicks in place…she was beaming! I said, - “You will look more chic if your eyebrows are plucked and shaped.” She was diplomatic enough to say,- “You tell me?” There we go again….I told her that we will wait till her birthday for that. She was happy none-the-less. She said “Thank You’s” and “I Love You’s” a dozen times to me since then. It certainly was worth the YES.

Years ago, during the house warming function of my Uncle’s place, my cousin who is quite younger to me, desired to apply lip color and some eye shadow for the occasion. I did the needful. Her mom went ballistic! A scene was created and the poor girl was made to wash off any traces of the dreadful chemicals that would disfigure her face. Humiliated and hurt she wore a sullen and sad look through the evening. What could have been a perfect day for my cousin was marred deeply!

My friend told me that when she was 13, her mother warned her- “If you ever think about a boy”, she (i.e., the mother) would come to know about it and my friend had to face the consequences arising out of that situation. Poor girl, she was so terrorized that she missed out on being an adolescent!

What the parents do, what we say have a deep impact on kids. What may seem as a disciplinary action may leave some deep rooted fear in the minds of our children which may be carried into their adulthood. How much is too much? When to give-in, and when to take a stand? Parenting is a difficult job! Did our parents feel the same kind of pressure too when they were bringing us up? Setting up a good example, teaching the kids the right values, keeping them grounded, indulging them, to say ‘yes’ when you feel like saying ‘No’ and saying ‘No’ when you it will break your kid’s heart….phew! so much responsibility. Some days back, a 11 year old girl killed herself because her mother read her diary in which she had written about a boy from her class. Aren’t we capable enough to reach out to our kids and understand them??

Your Children are not Your Children

They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

Which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends with His might

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He also the bow that is stable.

-Kahlil Gibran (From "The Prophet")

HOLI

Mr. Moon must have had a field day yesterday with all the media attention and coverage he got. He didn’t seem as ominous as he was made out to be, nor did he set off a series of disasters as predicted. We have seen better or bigger ‘super moon’s’ than the one last night. In spite of all the rumours circulating, the life and festivities went on as usual. Aren’t we all brave hearts?

These are the ‘happening’ ladies of our housing society. The oldest residents, mostly Maharastrian with a couple of exceptions, they run the ‘kitty’ cartel of our society. Addicted to gossip as they are, they even pay their maids to keep up the gossip supply! Nothing escapes their scrutiny and it is difficult to infiltrate their group. I don’t like the word ‘kitty’ and I don’t ‘party’ and so I enjoy their company from afar. But, as the ‘missus’ of our housing society’s Chairman, I have to make the customary appearance at our society’s do’s. And, so I was there with the ‘gang’ performing the puja of the ‘holi’ fire.

To us South Indians, HOLI is not a big festival. Here, the people fast all day, breaking their fast only after performing the puja. While the ladies are busy with their puja and customs, the men are having a party of a spirited kind. It is the ‘Mister’ who has to light the fire.  Children are already making merry and having fun with colors. The night ends with a promise of more festivities and fun the next day.

This morning saw a lazy start and breathed life around afternoon. Had loads of fun. Got “BHANG’d” for the first time. Did not get heady though. The curtain fell on this colorful day watching the sunset with a spectrum of colors over the horizon of the sea.

IT'S A SALE.........

I like the Master Card ad which says – “There are few things in life which are priceless…for everything else, there is Master Card.” Today, almost everything is available for a price. Right from the womb to human organs to one’s conscience! Now-a-days, it is ice-creams made from mother’s milk….that’s a bit difficult to digest!

Yesterday, Nishu comes from school and gives me a circular which says that the ‘Annual Belt Exam’ for the kids learning karate will be held by the end of this month. Sounds legit, right? But, the catch is, the exams are held even for the kids who haven’t had any formal training in karate per se.

What they do in school is, teach the students a couple of “Kaatha’s” and “Kumite’s”, the exercises required for that particular level; conduct a mock fight and award the belt! There are no failures; else the parents will be livid.

To be fair to Nishu, he has an orange belt already and has also participated in State Level competition once. But, he has not been training/learning this art for the past 2 years now. Now, he wants a Brown Belt. Of course, his momma is adamant not to let him participate as this a scam. Degrees can be bought today, but knowledge, skill and talent cannot be bought. I know my baccha is very disappointed, but he would rather learn now that – you can cut corners, but there are no short cuts in life.

PS: Nishu said to me the other day that he cannot share anything personal with me...because whatever he tells me is put in my blogs. I could not agree less!

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO....

I was at loss of what to write for my blog when my hubby suggested that I write about the lives of wife’s of Cinematographers. OK, not a bad idea. Only that our lives reflect the lives of millions of women over the world. So, I will not generalize but stick to my story.

On an average, a cameraman stays away from home for 250 days in a year. Missing and forgetting birthdays and anniversary is not an issue at all. But, missing out on the birth of your first child?  My hubby had come down to Bengaluru from Ahmadabad to be with me at the time of my first delivery. But, the actual delivery did not happen on the day it was supposed to, so he went ahead and agreed for a day’s shoot. And that very morning my daughter decided that she has had enough of the warmth and security of my womb and took the decision to step out into this world. Professionalism and commitment made my husband to proceed to his work. What about his commitment to me? Of course, my parents, my in-laws and few family members were with me. But, what is the point? The person whom you love, the person who is going to be a dad for the first time, the person responsible for that very life, isn’t there to witness the beautiful and memorable moment??

My friend, Mangala, also went through a similar situation. Like any other profession there is a lot of competition in this field too. So, freelancers cannot afford to miss out a contract or an assignment or so they say. So, her husband went ahead to cover the Cricket World Cup in South Africa. She was in the last term of her pregnancy and her mother was there with her and of course some friends. She had to rush to the hospital as the circumstances required urgency, she got herself admitted to the hospital, her twins were delivered by C section and when the effect of anesthesia wore off, she called her husband to share the good news. She also informed her family and friends one by one…and as it was 1^st April and as she herself was calling up, everyone thought it was a joke! Today, she is bringing up her twins who are adorable, intelligent and very naughty, single handedly without any external help, not even a maid…just with true grit. Good going girl!

It so happens that some months after the birth of your baby, the dad comes home and says to his child- “Hey, look at you….you are all grown up! Last time I saw you, you were crawling and now, you are walking all over the place!” TO CRY OR NOT TO CRY!!! Like other family members and friends he has to be content watching the photos and videos of the milestones his baby has reached.

International Women’s Day came and went. Women have had lot more empowerment over the years. But, on March 8^th, a girl, Radhika Tanwar, was gunned down in front of her college by her stalker in Delhi. A day later, Nidhi Gupta, CA by profession, jumped to her death after throwing her kids from the 19^th floor of her building. Elsewhere in Kerala, a mother sold her 1 year old baby for Rs. 50,000/-. Some things remain the same even after 100 years. Ain’t this life?

“Women deliver more than babies” – Jill Sheffield.

Role playing comes naturally to woman. There are times when I say, ‘try me’, and then there are times when I want to shout, ‘let me be’. Of course, I do feel frustrated at times, I rant and rave, complain and fight. Next, I am back to the square one!

“The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances” – Martha Washington.

My dad, whenever he is here in Mumbai, interacting with his grand kids often comments, “I don’t know how you guys (me and my brother) grew up. I don’t remember anything from your childhood. I was so busy with work and your mother never burdened me with the household issues. Today, I regret missing out on your childhood.”

Men beware when you are old and have time to spare; your kids will be busy elsewhere! It doesn’t matter how many matches you covered or how many assignments you had. Will you remember the time you got to spend with your loved ones? One day, you will come back home, look at your wife and say –“Hey, look at you…you have changed so much! Last time I saw you, you were young…now you have grown old!”

AFTERMATH.....

After being holed up at home the whole day, watching the depressing news on the TV, we decide to go out for a breather. We are cruising on the Highway, myself ,hubby and kids when we come across a line of trucks being burnt.  We pass them, counting the number of trucks being burnt…4, 5, 6 and combined with the smell of burnt rubber, metal and wood is another stench. The smell of burnt human flesh...we double take, God! Hubby turns the bike around and we take a detour. The horror of it fills us with dread and also saddens us. Everywhere we go, we come across stores and restaurants being burnt. The riots and massacre which happened due to Godhra carnage was just beginning to unfold, in a gruesome way.

As a small girl, I remember asking my dad as to why there were no earthquakes or floods in Bangalore? He replied, that Bangalore is so situated, above the sea level, that these things were not a possibility. My dad’s answer seemed to quieten my young mind. By a quirk turn of fate, I had seen them all by the age of 30! The killer Cyclone, as it was called, that hit the coast of Kutch in 1998, resulting in floods over many parts of the state including Ahmadabad. The devastating earthquake of 2001, the monstrous human act following the Godhra carnage of 2002, and many more…It is joke in my family, that wherever I go, bad luck follows.

Barely a year after people had come to terms with death and loss caused by the earthquake, another tragedy struck the people of Gujarat. This time nature was a mute spectator for man’s atrocities. There was no limit to the crime and cruelty man inflicted on his fellow human beings. Every political party provoked and participated in this game of death! People crazed with the idea of religion and revenge played ‘tandav’ of death. And, more than 1,200 people paid with their lives- a price for either being a Hindu or a Muslim.

THE INCIDENT – We had been invited to a friend’s house for dinner. The riots were into its 3^rd or 4^th day.  Curfew was clamped over the city and we just wanted to unwind and relax for some time. Post dinner, we were returning home at around 10.30pm, there were men on the streets with lathi’s and choicest of weapons in their hands. Hubby, floored the accelerator of the car. Little luck! Few hundred meters later we were stopped by a group of men, who surrounded the car. We were too dumbfounded to react, too scared even to breath. We were facing our worst nightmare!! A guy approached and asked – “Hindu or Muslim?”  My husband said- “Hindu” and phew! We were let through. It is difficult to describe in words the dread we felt.  My dad, who was with us, started praying; my hubby’s knuckles were white gripping the steering wheel, kids huddled in my lap and me hugging them. We let out a collective ‘sigh’ when we reached home, too shaken to speak anything. Later, we came to know it was rumored that truck loads of Muslim men were coming towards ‘our’ part of the city and so smelling blood, every sworn Hindu was manning the streets.

      This picture says it all. The iconic photograph - THE FACE OF GHODRA RIOTS.

27^th February, 2011- A special court ordered death by hanging for 11 people and awarded life terms to 20 others for burning coach S-6 of the Sabarmati Express on February 27, 2002. This might have come as solace to the families of those who were killed in the train.

But as always, justice was delayed and denied to all those who died as a repercussion of the train burning incident. The real murderers, ‘the mob’, are still scot free! The verdict, does it make any difference to those people who were burnt alive? Does this make any difference to those babies who were killed in their mothers’ womb, without getting to see the light of the day? Would this have made any difference to those women who were gang-raped and killed in the name of religion? Will this make any difference to those children who were orphaned? The thousands of people who fled, will they get back their lives, their dignity, and their home? OR would this verdict have made any sense to me or to my family, if we were stopped by Muslims on that fateful night?

THE NEST

The little one is flapping its wings…wanting to be set free. Well, everyone is born free. It will take a little more time for the young one to taste the independence, and the impatience seems to be growing by the day. Mama bird watches from the branch above. She knows in some time she has to set her young ones free. The thought itself brings about a tug in her heart. But, she encourages them…she is indeed proud of the way they have grown into fine young birds. The nest is getting smaller for them, and she knows she will be the one to lead them when it is time.

I am feeling unusually low. Is it menopause? I wonder. No luck there, it is just that my kids are not at home and I am missing them. I really thought I would enjoy the peace with the kids away for the day. I thought I have the whole day for myself and I will do whatever I feel like doing...ended up doing nothing at all. I did watch a movie on my computer, but it was a half hearted effort. I missed the bickering, the fights, the general chaos, my son hitting his football over the din of the TV volume….these are in fact the MELODIES which make a house a home! But, that day the silence was deafening!

The kids are growing up fast…my daughter, being the eldest of the two, has tested the waters. She got a cell phone when she was 12, was allowed to go out with friends and commute by rick all alone, the little perks you get for being the elder one. My son says we are discriminating. The youngest is always the pampered one…and will remain the youngest forever!

Of the parents, it is the father who is the paranoid one! If the kids are 5 minutes late from tuition class, he just doesn’t worry; he panics! And, it is quite natural that the father is overprotective towards the kids. I am the more patient one. I will panic only after the 6^th minute….joking. I do understand the need of the kids to be on their own. So, it was no surprise when I agreed to send my son along with his friend to the school in a rickshaw without any of the respective parent accompanying, of course the dad was not in town to stop me ( yeah, but was calling up to check every half an hour ). The look on my younger one’s face as he returned from the school was worth seeing – he felt like a man. He is ready to drop the crutches. He is ready to take the baby steps towards independence…but, are we ready to let him be?

One more year and my daughter will be in college. College means more freedom and dating too! I am sure her dad will appoint a ‘Z category’ security to be around her all the time. My son will be in high school and will be embarrassed to be seen with his parents in public.  Pathetic, han?

When we moved from Ahmadabad to Mumbai, my personal world shrunk a lot. Given my hubby’s erratic work schedule, it was (and still is) just the three of us. I reveled in being hands on mom. I did not expand my world then. Now, it is not just the kids, who want to drop the crutches, I too am ready to drop mine. Even I am spreading out my wings and expanding my world….blogging for instance. Of course, I will have a lot more time with kids away from home, to do whatever I want, like learn pottery or Salsa. But, for now, the kids are safe in the cocoon. The day is not far off when they will transform into beautiful butterflies and fly away. I know, difficult as it may seem, I will let them go.  Maybe then, the pain of menopause will be more welcome than the heaviness of the heart!